Loving GrADDitude Blog - ADHD Life Coaching Tips for Parents of Children with ADHD

Do You Have a Negative Emotions Bias?

LovingGrADDitude
July 22, 2020
negative emotions

Not sure if you are feeling the same as myself, but I am losing track of days and weeks! They are seemingly the same…and running together, actually. (The movie, Groundhog Day comes to mind lately!)

While we are all in various phases, I still feel like very little has changed, even if we are “free-er” to move about the country. Not sure if this lifestyle has become a habit or a mindset, but it is difficult at times (at least lately for me ) to focus on what we do “have” versus things we don’t.

I recently listened to an online conference hosted by Social Thinking. One of the subjects for the day was self-regulation with an overall explanation of emotions, moods and negative feelings. One of the slides read: “WATCH OUT: humans have a negativity bias”.

The lecture went on to share:

our brain processes negative emotions differently from positive emotions
negative emotions consume a lot of our attention
negative emotions are more noticeable than positive emotions
we have more ways to describe negative emotions than positive ones.

There was a slide that also said:

“People tend to ruminate about negative emotions about five times longer than positive emotions.”

Full disclosure, I tend to be super positive and always strive to see the best in every situation. I am exceptionally aware of the thoughts I allow in my head and how they “appear” daily.

I’ve come to realize, it’s ok to have negative thoughts – it is in our DNA and how we are “wired”, anyway! Who am I to question the brain and all its workings! However, how I allow them to “reside” in my brain and dictate my mood is another subject altogether.

I’m sharing this because I have lately felt a greater burden, a higher stress level and heavier heart around how things are playing out in our cities, towns and schools as we all are getting our heads around back to school and how our “year ahead” may look.

Honestly, I haven’t been in this “emotional place” before as I am “steady as it goes” and always “the anchor” and “voice of reason” to many I know and love. But lately, I feel like there’s not an end in sight and I’m a bit off “kilter” with myself…unknown territory!

Maybe some of you have been here and through it, but for some reason, I am being hit by how we are just “existing” in our daily lives. There are days when it’s difficult to imagine this being our new norm. I question the truth, the facts and our safety some days. I think, given the circumstances, this is perfectly normal.

What I don’t want to be my “new norm” is the attention I could give to my thoughts:

Questioning, doubting, doing the back and forth, if this then that, the what if’s, pointing blame, etc. It could literally take over my brain! How unhealthy would that be?

Two final thoughts from the conference I want to leave with you:

“Negative emotions are not bad emotions. Don’t avoid them, instead acknowledge and problem solve your way through them.”

(This is me officially acknowledging them and figuring out how to problem solve! )

“During times as unusual as a pandemic, it’s OK to allow yourself a good sulk while you reboot your emotional operating system.”

Hallelujah! What validation! It’s OK to sulk! However, it’s not ok to stay there and allow these thoughts and emotions residency! I think I have rented out my sulky sulk emotions for a couple of weeks now and it’s time to kindly ask them to check out soon!

If you relate to anything I just shared, I trust that this will help you validate, accept and allow you to move through your emotions and thoughts as they come up and when they hit.

Want to learn more and be part of an amazing group of ADHD parents? Join the Succeed with ADHD! Facebook group where you can get access to live weekly trainings and ongoing support. Click here to join.

Teens and ADHD

ADHD Persistence Doesn’t Always Pay Off

LovingGrADDitude
July 1, 2020
ADHD and teens, ADHD coach, ADHD coaching, ADHD families, executive functions

“Persistence pays off.”

“Energy and persistence conquer all things.”

“Persistence is the key to success.”

We’ve all heard these quotes. They are positive statements that encourage us to keep working, keep striving to meet our goals and feel a sense of accomplishment. Many of us probably have various motivational quotes written down to inspire and remind us to keep moving forward!

But what happens when we don’t WANT to hear these quotes and phrases? Those times when we can be frustrated by SOMEONE (normally a loved one) being persistent in our lives…in a negative way.

That someone can often be our ADHD persistent child. The child who can not “let it go” when their routine is turned upside down, or they don’t get the response they were seeking, or, most times, when they don’t get their way.

When this happens in our home, my child handles this situation with a constant onslaught and barrage of questions…for long periods of time. And then, maybe he comes back to it, hours (or days!) later when it’s still the first and foremost thought they are focused on and can not put away. (That’s a long time to hold onto something that didn’t go your way, right?)

If you’ve watched my Anger and ADHD video (found in the free to join Succeed with ADHD Facebook Group), you know that when the amygdala (the small, almond shape part of our brain that is always on the lookout for anything that could go wrong) is hijacked, emotions flood the brain.

When this happens, the frontal lobe which controls our Executive Functioning (EF) area goes “off-line,” and the ADHD brain is not able to activate the EF functions (like self-control, flexible thinking, working memory) that would help the child remember how to work around this issue. The main thought gets through, which is, most commonly, the negative one. Unfortunately, the one they cannot let go.

Such was the situation with my son earlier this year as we walked through the week’s schedule. During the front loading, I made one grandiose mistake: I failed to include ONE key component (not purposely, but just didn’t think it was a big deal in my mind) that set him in a persistent state where he was unable to converse about anything other than the said component of which he was upset about: the one I unknowingly left out.

While I feel I have a ton of patience in various parenting “arenas,” this one is a trigger for me and these situations do not set me up for “rising above it” with patience, for some reason. Can anyone relate???

Maybe it’s because I don’t like repeating myself. Maybe it’s because I don’t like being bugged with a constant barrage of questions and statements thrown at me – the same ones over and over again. Maybe I feel he should be in a different “place” of maturity to “drop it”.

And yes, I am a work in progress and constantly struggle with my own triggers around this.

But in the meantime, it’s important to help him learn how to set aside this persistent thinking so it doesn’t interfere with social interactions, friendships and his ability to think about something else.

Dis/encouraging this character trait is most definitely a fine line…one that I tow, one that I allow in my conversation “space” with my son…one where I need him to get through it and be more flexible in his reactions…but yet, one where he is able to use words and express himself (not easy).

Because I think to myself: in the real world, outside the safe confines of our home, this persistent state of mind can/may be perceived as annoying, maybe even rude and/or insulting pending on who it’s directed to.

OR it can be perceived as a positive character trait: the person who never gives up even when the stakes are turned against him and will stop at nothing to prove everyone wrong.

Which do I want? How do I want others to perceive this personality trait? I’d want the latter!

So, how do we put this persistent “puppy” to bed all the while supporting their need to be persistent and express themself? (For those of you with ADHD children, the ability to express and put words to feelings is not a norm in the typical daily conversation and I cherish it when I can actually “feel” my son’s emotions.)

Here is how to transition the conversation to other things so your persistent ADHD child can get grounded again:

Validate the feelings and overall mental well being: ie: frustration, anger, upset, etc. “You are upset that you are missing practice.” “You’re disappointed your sister said she’d be here and she’s not.” “You’re angry I forgot to pick up the ice cream.”
Acknowledge mistakes: “I forgot to add that detail which made you upset. I am sorry.”
Encourage: “I like how you are showing your feelings and expressing yourself with your words.”
Express how you are feeling towards him: “I see you are upset. I expressed to you that I already feel bad about this situation. I don’t want to be upset with you, but the decision is made.”
Give chances: Those who are persistent do need boundaries and social awareness when expressing themselves – case in point – the boundary meaning TIME. IE: It is NOT ok to continue to have this conversation further. There is nothing else to discuss here. “What else can you express so you can allow this conversation to end.” OR “You can express 3 more times and let go of what you need to around this situation, then we are not discussing it anymore.”

While I know most of these techniques work really well, (because I’ve used them many times before!), there are the off times when I just allow the moment to happen (albeit biting my tongue) and listen to the conversation as it runs on and on. Maybe he just needs to be his persistent self for a while, maybe that’s his way of processing, maybe we switch the setting, or maybe he just gets tired of listening to himself say the same things over and over…

The rare times when he shares his deeper emotions and expresses his frustration is one moment that I just breathe through…..and savor those emotions and words, even if they are not the happiest ones…I still get to see them come through.

Inhale for 5, exhale for 5.

Want to read more?

Click here to learn more about Front Loading

Click here for some mindsets around homeschooling during COVID

Click here find out if your teen needs a mental health day

Join the Succeed with ADHD! Facebook Group for more tips

Dealing with COVID-19

If We Aren’t Learning, We Aren’t Growing

LovingGrADDitude
April 28, 2020
ADHD, COVID-19, COVID-19 and ADHD, living with teens, teens with ADHD

May is my favorite month. Our first son was born this month, school is close to ending and the beginning of summer is in grasp. While we are still uncertain of what the actual summer holds, it will also mark the end or imminent end (Lord willing) of distance learning and the 2019-2020 school year.

WHEW! We made it through! (Some of us just barely, but the goal was to just finish!)

Summer is my absolute favorite time of year: no alarm clocks, little to no schedules, vacations, quality time with our boys, long days, new Netflix series for us to watch, and memories abound. I can never get enough of fresh peaches, ice cream stands, and children out and about. It’s a time to refresh and renew.

Every year, at this time, we always engage with our boys and reflect on all that happened: the victories, the failures, the takeaways, the growth, the memories of our past year in school, goals, etc.

While this certainly has been the most unconventional year, I am going to share some of my takeaways from these past 2 months of distance learning and sheltering-in-place. I always say to our boys (I know I’m a broken record!), if we aren’t growing, we aren’t learning.

Here are just a few things I’ve noticed during Distance Learning and 24/7 being at home with the fam:

Our boys eat a ton, whether they are hungry or not…teens eat everything that comes in a bag or box. It’s what they do! And, they are blissfully happy not to have any type of meal schedules. It seems we are all on different schedules!

While I know our boys are polar opposites, it really has been on full display in our home…figuring out workspaces, the best time for them to learn and let me tell ya, what works for one, simply, emphatically does NOT work for the other. It’s opened my eyes even more to this and how critical it is to parent and support each child as they are…NOT what their sibling “does”.

Our son, who has ADHD has really learned, by default, how to plan out his day and what reminders he needs. And yes, it wasn’t without multiple tries, work not being turned in on time, and falling behind, BUT he figured it out (with a little accountability, expectation, and boundaries from me)….he figured out his best daily practice to manage his time.

Because of the flexible work environment, our son who has ADHD has managed his need to move, fidget, take short breaks, go on walks (lots of them!), and do what he needs to allow him to re-focus. THIS IS WHY THIS ENVIRONMENT HAS SET UP SO WELL FOR HIM: he is not constricted to a classroom setting. His work gets done and he manages what his body needs to focus. He is self-managing like it’s no one’s business!

Lord willing, we will not be in this “place” again (although I have my doubts). It has been an amazing learning and growth curve for BOTH our boys. How can you not take advantage of planning out your day every day – there is so much control they have now that they won’t have during normal school life!

It would have been a huge disservice to our sons if I had my hands in every second of their day and controlled their time! Instead, they learned, they failed, they grew and became responsible for their academic life. They know the consequences if they falter and don’t keep up.

Most of the time, I’ve learned our boys REALLY need to talk things out to get motivated. REALLY. Yes, they may be complaining, but who doesn’t? Even I complain about some of their work! Don’t we all need someone to vent to and to release all the thoughts around something? So, I don’t, in the least bit, think it’s something I’ve done when they are venting…they just need to let it go! Yes, there’s a lot more venting going on…and it’s OK!

I love having them home. Yes, even in the midst of smaller quarters where we may be on top of each other and we have to figure things out, I, personally, am happy they are not going back to school. ( No judging here!!!) We have gotten into such a routine where everyone is productive and has great balance, I think it would turn their world’s upside down right now to be on a school schedule. (I get homeschooling now and it’s so tempting!)

We have ALL learned to be flexible and be more considerate of what everyone needs…and we all have done our best to see each other succeed and be productive. Flexibility is not a strong suit for some. We have learned to make it an everyday occurrence in our home.

This has been an amazing time for our family, despite all the tears, frustration, and figuring it all out over the past 6 weeks. We may never have this much time with our children in this way again. In a very large way, going back to normal will make me sad as we haven’t had this kind of family time in 8 years.

I pray despite all the uncertainty, you have been able to be present, show grace, take advantage of this time and soaked it all in: the good and the bad.

Let go of some control. Let go of perfectionism. Let go of worry.

It’s a time for our children to figure some things out on their own…to grow, learn, become resilient and have fun in the process. It’s also our time to watch our child fail and flourish – isn’t this what life is all about? If we aren’t learning, we aren’t growing.

With Much GrADDitude (and the end of 2019-2020 school year),

Kelly

P.S. Have you joined me over in my new Facebook Group – Succeed with ADHD? I created it to provide you with the answers you’re looking for about ADHD! CLICK HERE TO JOIN!

OWN Your ADHD

3 Mindsets for Homeschooling ADHD Children

LovingGrADDitude
April 15, 2020

By now we are in a month, give or take, of our new normal. I am wondering how you are all doing and coping? How is homeschooling your ADHD children? While I am a homebody by nature, this is testing my resolve as well.

I, too, am juggling running my business, managing my household and now, being an accountability partner for our sons while they manage their home learning. This is no easy feat even for me, and this is what I do for a living!

I have observed a great deal of how my son is managing his schedule and being productive during this time. I am thankful I am able to help him succeed and stay focused each day. In so many ways, he is stepping up and exceeding all our expectations.

My eyes have also been opened to some personality traits that are so common on a regular basis, but now, in this environment seem exasperated. Anyone relate?

Some things have been easier during his home learning and other things I have realized need some additional support. The persistent interruptions when his sweet brain is focused on one main thought that is taking over. Until he has a definitive answer or direction, he simply will not let it go…meaning he is quite fine interrupting me when I’m on a client call. Never minding the expectation that has been set to not even “go there” when I am on a call. Ahhh…the persistent trait of those with ADHD. It is playing out daily in my life.

I’m wondering if your eyes have been more opened to the ongoing difficulties of how your child lives with ADHD?

You are witnessing first hand, how a day in their academic life plays out. You are privy to behind the scenes of how their brains are functioning and processing their work and how their behaviors are playing out on a daily basis.

While you may have known about it from a big picture standpoint, now, it has become crystal clear of all they are expected to handle:

The onslaught of distractions that are overwhelmingly keeping your child from staying on task.

The overload of information they are needing to process on their own.

The responsibility of planning their day – how much structure they need to succeed in completing work and being productive.

The shutting down when things are hard and overwhelming.

The anger/tempers when transitioning or just all the pent up emotions and frustrations around their school work.

The limited social interaction due to being physically cut off from their friends.

This is just some of what is happening. Not to mention anxiety creeping in…the feeling of overwhelm of work, the pressure of meeting expectations.

And we may not even be halfway through.

I’d like to share some mindsets around our child’s education during this time of uncertainty, with the hope you will be able to breathe easier and share this calmness with your child as well.

#1 Mindest: We ALL need to walk away with our mental health intact. THAT, my friends, IS THE MAIN MINDSET.

While my son’s grades and education are very important, it never will be as important as their emotional well being and their mental health. And it, most certainly, will not define them.

Let’s not have our only conversation with them be focused solely on their grades. This is only part of their lives. They have been impacted (as we all have) by so much more than this. I recognize those who have ADHD may have difficulties expressing themselves and putting words to emotions. That’s OK – just be with them. Your presence matters!

Mindset #2: This is a small blip in their lives and will not impact their grades as much as you fear.

This time DOES not and WILL not define them academically. Trust and be assured that since this is a global pandemic, it is happening to everyone and accommodations will be applied.

Maybe their grades will drop a bit, maybe they won’t. Maybe they won’t be the straight-A or B student (maybe they will) at the end of the year. And maybe they will need to do a lot of review in September. It will be okay!

Maybe this lack of structure in so overwhelming to your child (and they can’t verbalize it to you and will tell you that they’ve got it all under control, when in fact they may not) that even their best attempt to work it out on their own just doesn’t yield the results they would like.

Mindset #3: Do not fulfill your need for control by overcontrolling your child.

I understand there is VERY little we can control right now. And that is unsettling for some.

Let’s not allow our children to be the means of how we fill that need. Don’t overcontrol their learning, don’t micromanage, don’t over chore them, etc.

As long as classwork is due by the end of the day, let go of WHEN it needs to be done. Don’t micromanage the process!

Everyone has a lot of their plate:

One of the best things you can do every night is have family huddle with the goal being to walk through everyone’s schedule for the next day. This allows everyone to be on the same plate (or schedule) and it helps everyone meet their own expectations.

This is meant to help ease your mind that everyone is doing what needs to be done. ALLOW everyone to have their own control over their schedule.

You are not alone in this. You have help. There are resources out there.

It’s because of this that I have created a private FB group page – Succeed with ADHD! – where I can pour into you and serve you as best I can. I am responding daily (even multiple times) to questions, concerns, challenges from the members. I understand there are days that are seemingly unending and beyond frustrating. You don’t have to go it alone.

Join today!

Dealing with COVID-19

Creating a Home Work Space for All Family Members: Establishing Boundaries

LovingGrADDitude
March 17, 2020
ADHD, ADHD families, ADHD strategies, COVID-19, new normal

I’m a tip kind of person so I’ve created a series of videos to help you reduce the stress, overwhelm, confusion and uncertainty of how you can adapt to the new logistics in your ADHD home and world due to COVID-19.

This first video focuses on establishing boundaries when your home is now a living space + office + classroom with many moving parts.

Spend 6 minutes to learn how you can set everyone up in your family to remain respectful, sane and succeed!

Some other videos to help you stay sane during the COVID-19 social isolation:

I mentioned Front Loading and click here to learn more about how you can prepare your family.

Here’s some help on how to manage transitions during these turbulent times.

Finding Balance – So everyone in your ADHD family can be productive, efficient, get their work done and have fun along the way

Building Your Space: To accommodate people working, learning, relaxing and living all day long.

Raising Teenagers, Uncategorized

Does Your Teen Need a Mental Health Day?

LovingGrADDitude
February 26, 2020
academics and adhd, ADHD and teens, Parenting teens with ADHD

Pull up a chair and let’s talk about your teen’s mental health during these final months of school…

It’s that time of year where students, and maybe even teachers, need a little extra boost to get them through the end of the school year, yes? I think we all get a bit of Spring Fever and long for a much-deserved summer break. And while everyone may be ready to turn in their backpacks for swimsuits, it’s also the time to buckle down and pull up any grades that are not where students want them to be.

So while you’re dreaming of sunscreen, take a look around – your teen may be in a crisis mode working to finish strong which feels next to impossible when they are maxed out, taxed out, emotionally and physically spent.

But do. not. panic.

This is ALL perfectly normal. It’s to be expected.

And in fact, now that you know it’s coming, you can prepare and front load your children so they are ready to end the school year strong!]

Here’s what happens each year about this time in my house: we have a teen mental health day…

Our boys take a day away from school and catch up on work at home. Notice I didn’t say take a break from school. No, I said take a day away from school…big difference.

When we give our boys this day to work from home on their projects, studying, etc., I find their mental health is positively affected. They get a chance to sleep in a bit longer and work refreshed and recharged. We let them know stress happens, help them identify when they need some self-care — and give them permission to follow through with it.

Will one day really make a huge difference? Maybe, maybe not.

But by allowing this possibility in your child’s life, it can yield great rewards. I’m NOT advocating for multiple days off school (unless they are sick, of course!), I am advocating for the self-care and well being of the student… the emotional state of affairs of our teenagers is critical to their success in school and life! It’s important they know what they need, when they need it and allow them the space to be productive and responsible. Let’s not underestimate their long days and all the work that comes their way.

After all, don’t businesses allow this for their employees? Adults get personal time to use when needed — so why don’t we allow / accommodate / advocate a teen mental health day for our children when they are tapped out and in a state of overwhelm?

Knowing when a teen mental health day may be needed could be tricky because these are teenagers we’re talking about. Sometimes they don’t recognize their own stress levels until they’ve reached a critical point. Or they don’t let you in and share their emotions. Or sometimes, yes, your teen may be playing with you to get the day off.

So here are some warning signs your child may be overwhelmed with school and may need a mental health day:

Irritable with school work (well, perhaps I should say MORE irritable than normal?)
Slow decline in motivation since the beginning of the year
Lack of intention
Distractibility
Decrease in caring about work
Procrastinating on work that they used to do quickly
Homework not being turned in on time (or at all!)
Projects not started until the 1-2 days before
Craving more sleep
Grades are slowly getting worse
Not bringing work home
Doesn’t want to talk about school
Becomes reclusive

If you’re answering check, check, check…consider giving your teenager a mental health day on a day that works best for them (ie one where there isn’t a test they will have to make up). Help them determine what they need to get back on track.

Remember, our goal is to raise self-aware, resilient, emotionally strong, healthy and happy young people who can go out into the world and advocate, know what they need when they need it and honor this within themselves!

With Much GrADDitude (and an emotionally happier child),

Kelly

Have you or your child taken the quiz to find out your biggest ADHD challenge? Click here!

OWN Your ADHD

Why My ADHD Marriage Works So Well

LovingGrADDitude
February 12, 2020
ADHD marriage, ADHD relationships, ADHD strategies

10 is the number. It’s my number with my ADHD husband…with the Love of my Life in my ADHD marriage. And, yes, I keep score, so I know the number is 10.

There seems to be a running joke in our home…Who have I asked a question to the most and how many times have I asked it? It’s always my husband and 10 is the number. What does the number 10 mean?

10 = The amount of times I ask him before WHAT I ask him about actually GETS DONE.

Now, hold your britches… did I say I like the number 10? Quite the opposite, actually. But, I’ve come to accept it… come to accept and allow 10 to have space in my mind and thoughts. We DO decide how thoughts dwell in our mind…yes? And what we decide to give life to and not? Yes?

Besides, he is the Love of my life and I chose him and this ADHD marriage and he chose me, with all our imperfections.

Perhaps I should change my language around how I ask him, I wonder at times? I do, of course, when something actually needs to get done or those instances when we are under time constraints, OR when I’m just in a really crabby mood and he senses my tone and completes it before I get to 3.

You see, I made a choice a LONG time ago that I wasn’t going to allow his “lesser strengths” to get in the way of his really awesome strengths. Imagine if I didn’t have this outlook or attitude and constantly focused on what wasn’t being done and having a continuous negative story about him running through my head.

Imagine, also, if he allowed my desperate need for order and structure to infiltrate our relationship – how would that run in his head?

Where would our ADHD marriage be? If I got stuck on the 5-10’s in our conversations and the “to-do” lists of life and only focused on this? And he got stuck on how structured and regimented and orderly I am? What a barrier, right?

(OK, fine… full disclosure there were a few times my kettle burst open and you can be assured the task that was now at 5 was getting completed…by day end…sometimes even by hour end! I DO have my limits and my breaking point! You happy now?)

The stories in my head I choose to focus on go something like this:

“It will get done when it’s important to him.” “I trust him to handle this when he is ready to.” “Maybe this isn’t as important as I’m making it out to be.” “What is he thinking of me?” “ What are his stories that are on constant re-play about me?”

One time (VERY recently!) the time from asking once and getting to the 10, took 3 whole years to complete! 3 YEARS! And then, boom! We got it done. BUT, there was a process to what we needed to complete (one I didn’t understand until it was all over) and until it mattered to him, it was dead in the water.

Clearly, I am NOT a nagger. Clearly, I have a ton of patience and grace. Well, so does he…with me. He showers me with so much patience and grace…actually, more than I do him, if truth be told. Remember, those with ADHD don’t hold onto stuff – they move on and are exceptionally forgiving. Me? Not so much, as you’ve seen: I keep score. (NOT my finest trait and I work at it daily!)

Being a neurotypical and being married to someone with ADHD is quite the task! What I’ve learned is to focus and play to the strengths…for BOTH of us. We play to one another’s strengths and we don’t set the other up to fail. That’s how we succeed – we refuse to allow the other to fail. We are partners til the end…over the cliff with adoration and admiration for one another and we simply got each other’s backs.

So how does our marriage thrive and survive with all it’s differences?

Here are a few examples of how we succeed and our mindset with one another:

He is a last minute guy. I’m well planned. We meet someone in the middle.

He likes spontaneity, I love a planned out calendar.

When we wrote our Marriage vows of Loving and Living, we agreed to a calendar that is “subject to change”.

He works at night. I shut down after 8pm. He’s tucking me in at 8pm so I can read and have quiet time and SLEEP.

He can stroll through the grocery store with no plan and “come up with” ideas for dinner. I fall apart without recipes.

I run the house. He makes sure I’m ABLE to run it well!

You cannot see the surface of his desk. Everything is in its place on mine.

Do I try and change this? Absolutely not! (Although I’m always dying to get my hands on his stuff!) There is no way MY way would ever work for him. NOR would HIS way work for me. I’m sure he’d love to get his hands on my neatly stacked, very small, organized piles and turn me upside down!

He has 75 tabs open at the bottom of his laptop to “keep track of” what he is working on. I have everything closed with only 2 tabs open at a time. More than that, I shut down!

When he’s cramming, he focuses like it’s no one’s business: when he needs to, what needs to get done, when it’s important – he is a last minute kind of dude. Me: what’s cramming?

Do I have to remind him (quite frequently) to put the “Father Hat” on and take off the “Business Hat” because he is so engrossed in his work? Yep! I do. And, I don’t take it personally. He just needs that gentle reminder. Does he remind me to relax and unwind and take it easy? Yep!

Do we have to review what’s happening in our week, multiple times throughout the week? Yep, because he needs repetition and a lot of reminders because there is so much happening in his mind. Well, I’ve got him covered and got his back with all things happening in our life.

Does he forget things? Yep! But not because he wants to. I received a voice mail from him the other night. As I was listening to it, I knew he forgot something that was happening with our boys that very night. When I called him out on it, his response was, “I’m sorry, I was too focused on hearing your voice and talking with you that it slipped my mind.” How can I possibly be upset about that?

He needs text reminders. Talking through it doesn’t work…and we have learned that the hard way. He needs things in writing. I need to hear it and write it down.

Are we normally on time? Most times early, in fact, because he knows how important being on time is to me.

Have we ever missed a flight due to our own fault? Nope. We are equally yoked when it comes to time!

Does my 10 get done? Yep. When he is good and ready to do it. Funny, sometimes it only takes 15 minutes to do what I’ve been asking him to do for 5 months.

10 is my number. My number with the man who makes me want no other. The man who is the utter breath I breathe. The man who is gracious, giving, compassionate. The man who sacrifices so much for our family. The man who is full of wisdom, humor, care, grace, kindness and strength. That’s my number and that’s my man.

ADHD Strategies

The 1 Question I Ask Myself Each Day

LovingGrADDitude
February 1, 2020

We are all busy. We all have a LONG to-do list, which continues to be added and subtracted to. We all feel the pressure to get everything done. Sometimes this pressure becomes stress and then where does that lead? Nowhere good, that’s for sure!

What I’ve come to realize is: there are certain times of the day when I get a ton done and other moments where I linger, jumping from one thing to the next with no real agenda, getting nothing accomplished…and the end product is a not so good feeling of disappointment. Anyone relate?

Over these past few months when my plate has been quite full (SELF IMPOSED AND LOVING IT – NOT COMPLAINING!), I started using a trick to get more done so I could end my day with a better feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction..and it just might work for you!

Here’s what I did:

I asked myself one question as I planned my day (and, in all honesty, I began asking it MANY times…in the same day)!

You see, questions are the main conduit of the coach-client relationship. I ask a ton of questions throughout our professional relationship with the intent of the client arriving at solutions and clearer understanding. Yielding great results, it’s a very productive process!

So it would only make sense that I began asking myself questions when it came to my own professional day, right? I mean really, how could I NOT coach myself and begin asking the tough questions?

I’ve, thankfully, not had any issues or challenges with prioritizing. My biggest obstacle was time and how I was using it. So, in true coach fashion, I ask myself this one question…and it’s been a life changer:

What is the Best Use of my time, RIGHT NOW?

The “right now” part is crucial!!!! Why? Because it breeds awareness of time! It is present! It is real! It is something that you can control!

Time is one of the most challenging “challenges”, if I may, of ADHD. While I am a neurotypical, I still struggle at times with how to best use time.

I DO know how long something takes, I DO know how to prioritize but if I don’t use the time I have “right now” in the most productive way, nothing will get done…OR something will begin and then won’t have an end to it.

So I ask myself often things like: How much time until my next client? Do I have enough time “right now” to get this item done?

This question can be used NOT just in the office setting, but also personally. If there are phone calls to make, or errands to run, or carpools or practice to sit in, and you have an hour window until pick up?

Ask yourself: What is the best use of your time during these events? Can you get a quick grocery store run in? Can you return a call? Can you take a few minutes to decompress and turn it all off? How can you be most productive, RIGHT NOW…in the moment…in the next 15, 30, 60 minutes?

With my 2020 intention of working smarter throughout my day, this is the one question that I continuously ask myself. It’s made an incredible impact on my work and I plan better (yes, believe it or not, I want to plan better!), I’m getting things checked off, I’m feeling like I have time for myself throughout the day (remember you are #1. ALWAYS.) and I feel like I’m making time work for me vs. being beholden to it.

So, use this question like I do and challenge yourself to understand what all can be (or not!) done RIGHT NOW. It’s a game-changer!!!

1 2 3 … 5 Next

GrADDitude Corner

Do You Have a Negative Emotions Bias?

ADHD Persistence Doesn’t Always Pay Off

If We Aren’t Learning, We Aren’t Growing

3 Mindsets for Homeschooling ADHD Children

Creating a Home Work Space for All Family Members: Establishing Boundaries

This first video focuses on establishing boundaries when your home is now a living space + office + classroom with many moving parts.

Does Your Teen Need a Mental Health Day?

This is ALL perfectly normal. It’s to be expected.

Why My ADHD Marriage Works So Well

The 1 Question I Ask Myself Each Day

What is the Best Use of my time, RIGHT NOW?

Want to see if Coaching would be a good fit for you?

FOLLOW ME

CONTACT ME

WORK WITH ME

RECENT POSTS

GrADDitude Corner

Here are some tips on how you can proactively create the space and balance so everyone in your ADHD family can be productive, efficient, get their work done and have fun along the way!

In this video, I share how you can shift your mindset to build and restructure your home to make it all happen!

This first video focuses on establishing boundaries when your home is now a living space + office + classroom with many moving parts.

This is ALL perfectly normal. It’s to be expected.

What is the Best Use of my time, RIGHT NOW?

Want to see if Coaching would be a good fit for you?

FOLLOW ME

WORK WITH ME

RECENT POSTS